'80s Movies I've Still Never Seen
As a kid, I had very little say over what we watched on TV. My dad had that job and he rarely took the night off. So I sat through a lot of action movies starring Lee Marvin, Steve McQueen and the like, probably at an age before I should have. [THROWS UP ARMS] But, hey, I'm not complaining! Seeing those sorts of classics early in life helped foster my lifelong love of films.
In high school, I rented movies like The Manchurian Candidate, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre and Cinema Paradiso because I'd heard they were good but also because I wanted to be (or at least sound) sophisticated. I wouldn't say I was picky, though. For every Godfather I've probably seen a dozen Cocktails.
But despite my open-door policy of watching pretty much anything, there are still incredibly popular movies that have slipped past me. You know what I mean: the kinds of movies that make people's eyes bug out when you admit you haven't watched them.
Here's an abbreviated list of '80s movies I should have seen by now but circumstances keep getting in the way. Please hold your bewilderment until the end.
Dirty Dancing: This is the big one. People cannot BELIEVE I haven't seen this. But you know what? I almost feel like I have. It's about a baby who's forced to sit in a corner. Pass.
Big Trouble in Little China: Gen X dudes really get upset about this one. Many of my friends take my skipping this Kurt Russell/John Carpenter venture as an insult. They don't pity me. They abhor me.
The NeverEnding Story: I have a friend who will quote this movie to me at least once a month and I haven't had the heart to tell him that I don't kn who Bastian is.
Footloose: I've heard the song. I know what happens.
Willow/Legend: I can't keep these two straight. Both have one-word titles that explain nothing. Both are fantasies with orcs and ogres and stuff (I think). Both films feature a lot of short-statured characters. Plus, Kilmer's in one, Cruise is in the other, and the two of them later played volleyball in Top Gun. Yes, that's two movies crammed into one slot, but I told you I can't tell them apart. Sue me.
So, those are five I haven't seen. Here are five I saw an inordinate number of times as a kid and can quote at length, not that anyone knows what I'm talking about.
Pippi Longstocking: Oof. When I was a kid, I drove cross-country with my friend's family in their conversion van. It had a VCR and a TV, but they only had one movie. I swear, kids today have no idea what we went through.
Rad: A 35-year-old teenager wants to enter a BMX race. That's pretty much the movie and I friggin' love it. Two krumbs up.
Condorman: Michael Crawford (if you know who this is, let's get coffee) plays a superhero in a feathered unitard. You know, the word "batshit" gets thrown around a lot these days, but I like to save it for when it's really needed. This is one such instance.
Irreconcilable Differences: "My name is Mike Krumboltz and growing up, my family had a Betamax." Oh, the mockery I endured as a child! Movies in this format were nigh impossible to come by but for whatever reason, we did own a copy of this forgettable rom/com/dram with Ryan O'Neal and Shelley Long.
The Wizard: I hated this movie the first time I saw it. I hated it the 47th time I saw it. I'll probably hate it the 200th time, which I plan on accomplishing this coming month. I'll let you know.
